Dear guys who can’t handle being let down at the bar,
A week or two ago, I had a long week and on my way home on a Friday I realized I really didn’t feel like being home just yet. I wasn’t feeling healthy or cute enough to go to my usual spot so I decided to just pop into PKWY Tavern since its on my way home and not at all out of the way. Plus, they have bomb Southern Chicken Sliders and so many amazing beer options–a girl can’t go wrong with fried chicken and beer. It was pretty early in the day and I didn’t plan on being there long so I didn’t bother convincing anyone to go with me. Cue sad lonely music for the girl alone at the bar.
Just kidding! I actually love going out alone and don’t mind being the solo girl at the bar at all. I’m a pretty social person, so I tend to make friends pretty much anywhere I go. So many great stories have come from me just hangin’ at a bar and making friends on my own.
So here I am, minding my own business with my beer and sliders. I start talking about teaching with this older couple next to me and we’re having a great conversation. I’m enjoying myself. Until…
…mid sentence some guy steps in between myself and the couple and pretty much commands, “I’m buying you a drink!!!”
Now, don’t get me wrong… I love free booze as much as the next girl, but I’ve had some really negative and some even dangerous situations that all started with a guy buying me a drink and then not getting what he thought was proper repayment afterwards. Since I was alone, and not at my usual spot where the staff looks out for me, I decided to avoid a potentially sticky situation. So, I responded as politely as I could with, “Thanks so much, but I’m actually okay. I’ve got a full glass! Thank you for the offer, though.” And then tried to lean over to look around him and continue my conversation with the couple.
Well, as you could probably predict our interaction didn’t just end there… even though it should have. As I leaned forward, so did he. Our conversation continued as followed:
Him: Don’t be boring. Just let me get you a drink.
Me: (calmly ignoring the fact that he just called me boring…) I’m really okay. But, again, thank you!
Him: What the fuck?! I just want to buy you a beer. What’s your goddamn problem?
Me: I’m sorry you think I have a problem. I really don’t. I just have a full beer and don’t want another one. (Wait… did I really just apologize to his rude ass AND give him a reason for not wanting a drink?)
Him: Christ. What is the problem with chicks these days? Even the fat girls won’t let guys buy them drinks anymore!!
Me: Excuse me? Did you just call me fat?
Him: Well… No use being nice to you now… yeah, you’re definitely not a fucking model or anything.
Me: (all of my patience gone at this point) I’m over this bullshit. Dude, have you seen yourself? You’re no Ryan Reynolds yourself…
Him: (Clearly butt hurt) Woah!!! No need to be a bitch! Go fuck yourself.
Me: In the two minutes you’ve interacted with me, you’ve managed to call me boring, fat, and a bitch. All because I didn’t want you to buy me a drink? You’re a real charmer you know that? Get over yourself and learn how to leave a girl alone when she turns you down. I will happily go fuck myself… it’ll probably be more pleasurable than fucking you.
(Okay, I know that last part was unnecessary, but COME AWNNNNNNN he deserved it…)
My burst of courage that gave me the strength to say all that slowly dissipated as he stared me down silently and tension rose. I’ve only seen that kind of anger and aggression in a man’s eyes a few times in my life and I’ll be honest, I was a little nervous about what he would do next.
As I shifted in my spot uncomfortably, the husband of the couple I had been talking to earlier finally cut in and said, “Sir, just leave her alone. You go your way and enjoy the rest of your evening and she’ll go hers. This is unnecessary. You’ve said enough.” I genuinely thought from the look on his face that this asshat was going to punch an elderly gentleman. Rather, he turned back to me and said, “Enjoy your night alone you fat bitch,” and then pushed my FULL beer over so that it spilled and made a mess everywhere.
I’m not sure what made me more angry… the fact that he called me a fat bitch or that he spilled my full beer.
Now, I need to clarify some things to make sure I cover all my bases here. As far as I could tell, he was not drunk. It was only 4:30 in the afternoon, and as a former bartender, I’m pretty good at telling when people are fucked up–it was my job to do that back in the day. Also, how did not a single one of the 3 bartenders on staff (two of which were basically right in front of me) cut in and say something? Finally, this guy was no Prince Charming. He was about 5 foot 8 and if I had to guesstimate he probably weighed about 250-280 pounds. (To be clear, I am not height or weight prejudiced, but I want to paint a clear picture of the situation here.) So really, who is he to call me fat? He was definitely way fluffier than is healthy.
So many problems with this whole situation I don’t even know where to start! How about with the weight thing? I get it… I’ve gained some stress weight in the last few months, but I am by no means obese. I’m a little chubbier than I’d like to be, sure, but I’m working on it. So how is it that this short, overweight asshole is okay with calling me fat, but ridiculously offended when I turn that same comment right back on him? Compared to him I might as well have been Miranda fucking Kerr. And, why on Earth, as a badass, intelligent, funny, and all around awesome lady, am I still so self conscious about being called out for my weight? (Okay, I’m done trying to compensate for his comment by complimenting myself.) Seriously, though, how am I letting this asshole’s comment still bother me? Is it a female thing? Is it just me personally trying to get over past demons and experiences? Is my confidence still not where I thought it was?
How did turning down a drink turn into a battle of the disses? Why do some men get so defensive when a girl says no? No means no, doesn’t it? How is that still not clear in 2017? How as an independent woman do I still feel uncomfortable at a bar no matter what I do? I said no to the drink to avoid an uncomfortable situation and somehow STILL ended up in an uncomfortable situation. How are men still reacting with such fury when a woman doesn’t express desire?
News flash: Its the twenty-first fucking century. I am by no means required to humor you just to make you feel good about yourself. I was nice enough given the situation. If I don’t want your attention, I should feel safe and comfortable telling you so and you should be able to handle that and move on.
I know, I know… his comments and actions say more about his issues than mine, but still. Really, dude? Boring, fat, and bitch. That is your response to, “no thank you…” How can a person say with an honest, straight face that safe spaces exist for women? Someone please tell me how I am supposed to feel safe? What if that old couple hadn’t been with me at the bar? What if they weren’t kind enough to walk me to my car, “just in case?” What if?
When I shared this story, some people have said I’m overreacting. Some people have said that I shouldn’t have said what I said in the first place. But, what about him? Why is there a guttural response to chastise me, but not look at what he said? What he did? Why do I have to be SO careful, when even all of the care in the world doesn’t guarantee my security?
What is wrong with some of you men out there?
Now, if you know me at all, you know I don’t believe in generalizations of any kind. So yes, I understand, acknowledge, and agree that not all men are like that. I know so many guys who are far from anything like this asshat. But, from my experience there are way more guys like him than not.
What’s a girl to do? Say yes to the drink and risk getting stuck with “expectations?” Or, say no to the drink and risk being publicly chastised and deal with a man’s rage? What was my safe option there? Apparently, there isn’t one anymore.
So to all my men out there who can’t handle a loss or a let down… get over yourself. Not every chick is going to be drooling over you. But one day, as long as you’re not an aggressive dickhead, I promise you’ll meet the one that loves you even if you did call a random chick a fat bitch in your past. Until then, just leave me alone when I tell you I don’t want a drink and let me enjoy my evening.
Your slightly chubby, but still awesome #chillestgirlalive